Driss-A-Blog

I debated (with great difficulty and some tears) for about 15 minutes whether I should go back and talk to her. My best friend, JHT, helped me decide that perhaps I'd regret not going back and talking to her, and always wonder. Anyway, RB had parked across from me as I was leaving, and we stared at each other for a full minute (both realizing that it was the other person). She went inside with her husband and little girl (yes, she has a kid now), and I went to get food. I thought and thought, and decided to come back to talk to her. I figured I didn't have to be nice to her, or mean to her (especially in front of her kid), but I did have to be civil.
I think I'm glad I went back; I'm not sure I'm happy with what I said, or rather, what I didn't say. I got out of my car and approached her. She hadn't been sure it was me, but she looked excited, and slightly nervous, to talk to me (probably b/c she didn't know what I would say). She said while she had been walking about Home Depot, she had been thinking about me, wondering if it were me, why I'd be in "this neck of the woods."
When we started speaking, I asked about her little girl and what she was up to. She said that her husband had accepted a job in Germany (for 3 years) and they were getting ready to leave in 3-5 days. She told me about the house they got over there, etc. (She introduced me to her husband, asked if we had ever met, I answered, "briefly", she introduced me to her daughter, who started getting antsy, so her husband and daughter started walking over to Farmer Jack. This may have happened before or after I asked about HK; I don't remember). Then I told her I had a question for her. I asked her if HK ever told her what happened. She answered that HK had told her her version of events, and why all fingers had pointed to me at the time (nothing new). Then I asked her whether HK had ever told her that she had found the ring. RB said yes, that it was pretty messed up, but that HK had told her that she had apologized to me. She said she was sorry for how things worked out (is that an apology?), that she had been put in the middle; to that I said, yea, I never knew why she did that... I asked her if she was still in touch with HK, and she said yes, a little, and told me a little about her after I asked how she was doing. I said that it sounded like she got everything she ever wanted (said it in a slightly sarcastic tone but I don't think she caught that).
She asked a little about me, what I was doing, who I was with, etc. I answered a little, and we spoke a little more about what had happened. She said she had actually been thinking about me earlier today. I cocked my head. She said yea, she's finally leaving Tam O'Shanter Country Club and has been writing a good-bye letter to them for the last four months (she worked there for eleven years). She had wanted to close the letter with something in hebrew or Jewish, but the only person she knew she could ask was me, but she had no way of getting ahold of me and was just going to check the internet. That's why she thought it was funny that we ran into each other today (she ended up asking me what she could write, and I ended up helping her with a closing word or two). We kept talking and she said again that she was sorry for how it worked out, that it was pretty "f***ed up" (I responded, yea, that it was, but I was not expecting her curse word - it didn't seem to fit in the conversation), and that she had thought about me after she heard that HK had found the ring, but that she couldn't just pick up the phone and say to me, "Hey we're friends again" (is that an apology? But yes, she could have called and apologized and we'd be better off than we were today - not that I'd actually be friends with her again). I told her that I had actually gone to get food and wasn't sure whether I wanted to come back to talk to her, but I did. She laughed, said she was glad I did, and that we had ended up missing a lot about each other (my law school, her kid, her fault). I agreed, she gave me a hug and we wished each other luck. I don't believe I ever really smiled throughout the entire conversation. She did (from nerves?).
I realize she never actually apologized for her behavior. She still doesn't realize that HK never truly apologized, but I'm willing to bet that HK actually thinks she did. She is still friends with HK, so what does that say about her? I wish I had called her on it and asked for an straight apology. I am also a little upset about telling her a little about myself b/c I'm not sure if it'll get back to HK; and I'm not sure whether I want it to or not. Maybe I do so she can know how much she missed out, not that she probably gives a care about me). I also never asked her whether she had received the email I had sent out, saying that HK was a liar, that she had never truly apologized, and didn't go to the police to "fix" the problem like she promised me she did, a.k.a. the Truth. I don't even know if RB ever received that email. I believe I have RB's email (the same one to which I sent the other email), but I am not sure this would accomplish anything... or maybe it would. I think I feel lousy for not calling her on her lack of apology. Does she think she apologized by what she said? Perhaps - but all she really did was make excuses.
Now I just feel anger all over again. Did I do the right thing by talking to her? Did I do the right thing by talking to her, but erred in not asking for an straight and clear apology? Is she worth more of my time? Would I feel better if I got an apology from her? Why should I have to force her to give it to me when she should give it willingly? Why do I think I'd feel better if I did so? Because I'd make her feel more guilt than she does? Perhaps she should. Where do I go from here? Does she now thing we're "okay"? We're certainly not. Perhaps she knows we're not b/c I never asked for her information, but I wasn't clear. I wish I had been. Why was I so nice to her? I can always drop her a note at Tam O'Shanter if I decide to rather soon (I'll tell you one thing though - this makes me appreciate my real friends that much more).
Thinking back on it, I think she was nervous talking to me, not knowing what I'd say or do. She never offered me her contact information, and I never asked for hers. I don't want to be friends with her anymore. I would just like what I have owed to me. A real apology. I know I'll never get one from HK and I don't count on it from her, but I thought that perhaps RB would have enough character to admit her mistake and give me an apology (the only person who ever did was HK's husband. I picked him out for her. Lucky her. Feel bad for him). A real apology. I didn't get that today, I realize I still want one, but I'm not sure I ever will ever get one.